The end of May marks the beginning of summertime festivities, cookouts, bonfires, and fun. Since I've been on this journey for almost 70 days now, and have been focusing on self-control and discipline since day 1, I thought I would be ok to try to venture out again and hang out with friends. I thought I would be able to hold back from all of the tempting food offerings laid out on a picnic table. Then Memorial Day weekend happened.
It was a full day of commitments on Sunday. Some friends and I went to the Berea Rib Cook off in the afternoon. As much as I love a rack of ribs, I knew I couldn't have all that barbeque sauced goodness, so I opted for a smoked turkey leg (Yes. A turkey leg. Whole. I felt like a cavewoman and LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT). There was an indulgence in a fried oreo, but an order of them came with 4 cookies and I ate one cookie, while forcing my friends to eat the rest....as much as I wanted all of them. After the cook off, I didn't feel too bad about my choices. I was able to find the calories from what I ate and was still well within my daily limit. But then I went to another cookout at another friends house after we got back from Berea. That is when it went downhill. There was so much food there and I wanted to eat all of it. Now, I was still full from lunch at the fairgrounds, but that apparently didn't stop me. A cheeseburger, multiple types of salads, chips, wine, cookies, a brownie....it happened. I feel ashamed. I felt disgusting afterwards, too. Today, I still feel gross. My body didn't know how to handle the types and amount of food I consumed that day. And I learned that I'm not quite as strong as I thought I was.
I caved. I gave into the temptation that was grilled meat and summertime treats. I kept telling myself it was ok to indulge a little. But when I indulge a little, my mind tries to forget about the first cookie I ate and gets me to eat another. and another. Oh, and try that different flavor. And the brownie? Yes please. Well, if you're going to finish off the bottle of wine, I guess I can help you with it. One burger isn't THAT bad. Just a couple of potato chips...that won't do anything. Corn is a vegetable, right? Broccoli slaw is healthy...it's broccoli! I didn't put THAT much sauce on the ribs. It's a light beer so it doesn't really count.
We all tell ourselves those lies. I told myself an excess of those lies that day. And now I'm paying for it. At first I thought, I'll just throw this day away. I'll call it a cheat day, right? Well, my cheat meal isn't scheduled for another 20-some days. So, I wrote everything that I ate in my food journal. It was terrible to look at. I felt bad about myself for having to write it all down. I then thought, "I can't figure out the calories for this. It's not worth it. I'm not going to even try" and put my journal away. This morning, I got my food journal back out, opened up a calorie counter website and figured out the calories to every single thing I ate on Sunday. I needed to see that number. I needed to put what I ate that day into perspective and to see what kind of damage I'm really capable of doing. For me, I'll keep "throwing the meal out" and "not be able to" count the calories on items that I want because I don't want to have to think about the amount of calories I just stuffed into my face. I needed to make that day a reality. So, I figured out the calories of everything I ate. I became disappointed in myself for the choices I had made. I was disappointed while watching the number of calories get higher and higher. It was difficult to put that number down on that sheet of paper for that meal. It was even more difficult to add up and write down the total calories for the entire day. I failed myself. And I honestly wanted to give up a little.
Yesterday was better. I was back on my normal food schedule and calorie consumption. Today will be the same. As will the rest of the week. K and I worked out yesterday, and it felt like a double workout based on the homework J gave. But it was good because I needed it, especially after the food fail on Sunday. I still feel a little sick to my stomach, but that's what happens to me now. If I eat the wrong food, I feel it for two days....it's kind of like when you hit a certain age and you know you're getting "old" because a hangover suddenly lasts 3 days. That's where I'm at now, except with food. Food hangovers. Gross.
Something else that helped get me back on track are all of you that read this blog. A good handful of people have told me they have been reading and staying up to date and I really appreciate all of the support. I'm astounded by the number of views this blog is getting so far. Numerous people have come up to me telling me their stories and I love to hear every single one of them. Multiple people have said I've become an inspiration to them. Some are making active efforts and changing their lives now. And others are making better and more conscious choices. It makes my day just thinking about all of it. Knowing that my story and the progress I am making can help push someone else to make positive choices to better their own lives makes my journey completely worth it. It reminds me that I can't give up. I don't want to let all of you down because of the poor choices I decided to make. I'm still striving to be come that success story and I'm proud to have all of you by my side!
As for today, I'm just praying that I will stay even at weigh-in this week. I'm not expecting a great loss, like the past two weeks. I'm sure there will be a week where the number on the scale goes up a little, but I'm not ready for that to happen. I am determined it won't be this week. Thank you all for giving me that push. You help me more than you realize :)
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