The Journey and its Destination

This is a long post, I know. And I'm sorry...but it's worth it :)

You now know why I've started this new journey (If you haven't, start reading by clicking here), but how will I reach my destination? I know myself. I know I always try to make every task as fast and efficient as possible - and that will include shortcuts, if need be. But with this, if I take shortcuts, I'll never reach my goal. In order to stay on track, I have installed several guardrails to keep me in the right direction:

1. Accountability Partner - K is on this journey with me. She has her own story and her own reason as to why she is doing this. Although it's different from mine, we have a similar goal in mind. If I have someone there to workout with, to ask me how everything is going, to be a sounding board when I need someone to listen, it makes this all less daunting (and I am the same for her, as well). I have someone to celebrate victories with, to feel frustration with when things don't go as expected, and to suffer with when J gives us REALLY difficult workout homework for the week (flights of stairs are the devil. They may be incredibly effective, but I'm pretty convinced they are the creation of satan himself...especially 86 flights). I can absolutely guarantee you that I wouldn't have the current weight loss I have had without K being there. Personally, I can't be accountable to myself. I need someone to get me back into gear and back on the right track when I want to stray. I have texted her at night asking her to tell me to put the box of girl scout cookies down and walk away from them. She has walked up stairs with me as I sob like a baby to make sure I finish. It happens. And I really appreciate having her there as support and for being a great friend. Even if neither of us want to lift weights one day, or if we just want to do 3 rounds of a circuit rather than the 4 J tells us to do, we push each other to continue and accomplish everything we need to. Not once have I ever said I regret doing that extra set of crunches, or cranking out 10 extra minutes of cardio. But if K weren't there, I wouldn't have done those extra 10 minutes or those 20 extra crunches.

2. Personal Trainer - J has done wonders. He's probably going to have a HUGE ego by the time he's done with me because I keep telling him how awesome he is and how much I appreciate him. Sure, I'll climb the stairs and curse him out occasionally (like the other day), but he has trained enough people that he's probably used to it and knows to not take it personally. As I wrote previously, I didn't know the first thing about working out 6 weeks ago (I still don't know much, but I'm learning). Not only does J get my butt into gear, he also teaches the proper form and technique and makes sure K and I know how to do everything correctly so we don't hurt ourselves throughout the week (J also has his own blog that you can read HERE. He has a lot of insight. I highly recommend it). I appreciate the fact that every week is different. He changes things up so we don't get bored. Each session gets harder and harder. In 6 short weeks, he now has me JOGGING (sure, people can walk faster than the pace in which I can jog, and it doesn't last all that long, but I'm doing it and I can't do anything else but improve). Two months ago, I never imagined I would be jogging...on the street....in public. But it happened. Never did I think I would be working out 6 (sometimes 7) days per week and not feel so sore I couldn't move. Never did I think I would walk over 6.5 miles in under an hour and a half. Never did I think I could accomplish what I have accomplished in these 6 short weeks. Never did I think I would feel proud of myself for what I've done. I know this is just the beginning and I'm excited to see what is in store for the future and what J will push me to do.
Having a personal trainer is one of the greatest investments I have ever made. And he's really not expensive. You can find a good one at a decent price (I feel like I'm talking about buying a lamp or a bottle of wine. Sorry J! You're not a lamp!). Plus, if I'm paying for a trainer, I want my money's worth. So, that keeps me more accountable. My only advice to you is to make sure you find the right one. Some trainers aren't good for certain people. It happens sometimes. I chose and kept J for several reasons.
First, he's incredibly kind-hearted. With that, J has an extraordinary amount of patience and grace. I need that. I can't just be yelled at by some Jillian Michaels wannabe and told I'm the scum of the earth if I don't run 1 more mile and vomit mid sprint...I would completely shut down and quit immediately. I was talking to a friend last week who said to me, "I saw your trainer...he looks TERRIFYING." I couldn't help but laugh. Yes, J is full of muscles and tattoos, but I explained to my friend that he is a gentle giant; He may look intimidating, but he's got one of the biggest hearts I've seen, and kicks my ass with kindness and in a soft spoken manner that makes me not mind doing it...yet I get done with our session and think, "Wait. I actually did all of that?" It's a gift.
Second, he's been through what I'm going through. J has his own story. He lost a significant amount of weight himself. He has a success story. Being in the current situation I am in, I need someone to relate to. He knows what is more harmful than good for me currently and is able to push me and give a really hard workout without causing injury. If I had some skinny minnie, always been thin, just likes to work out a lot type of trainer, that person couldn't relate (or, at least I couldn't relate to them) and there would be a disconnect. Because of that disconnect, I wouldn't get everything out of those workout sessions that I needed to.
Third, he gives homework. I need homework. And it's not just 'work on cardio this week' type of vague homework. It's an email full of 'do the following circuits with 20 minutes of cardio, then the next day go to yoga, walk X amount of miles and keep it under X amount of time, do X sets of stairs.' That is the best thing K likes about J, too. K has gone through her share of trainers and J is the first one that gives specific homework. And, not only does he give the homework, he then checks in through the week to see how we're doing. I really appreciate that. It's just more accountability...and I need all the accountability I can get.
And fourth (and the most odd reason, so hear me out on this one), J is male. Because of my past and distrust in men, I knew that I needed a male trainer to help me in my emotional healing, too. He probably doesn't even realize it, and that's ok. It's for myself. I'm learning that not all men are out there to hurt me and victimize me. Some really are there to help. Some are kind. Some are genuine. I'm still learning to view him as male. It's a process and can be a very emotional battle for me sometimes. There have been times when I've felt like I was getting defensive or shutting down. I can't let that happen. I will know when I am making progress, when my views begin to change. And, once I'm healthy again and able to start dating again, it will help me not make such poor decisions as I have in the past (really poor decisions. Terrible ones that you'd think I would've learned from...then went and made that same poor choice again). And I may not be explaining this last point correctly, so I sincerely apoligize if it doesn't make sense or if this is taken the wrong way.
What I'm trying to say is, get a trainer and make sure you find the right trainer for YOU. That's the most important part.

3. Journal - I've mentioned this in a previous post. I bought a journal. Everyday I write three things in it: food, workout, feelings.
I count calories. Anything that goes in my mouth gets written down. I have a calorie counting app on my phone to figure everything out. I plan out my meals every week to make sure the calories are within my allowance. Plus, if I have to write all my food down, it's easier to pass on food that is terrible for me. I have a specific amount of calories I can consume during the day...I don't want to waste 250 of them on some cookies or ice cream. It puts food into perspective and makes me more aware of what I'm eating and how much of it I'm consuming.
Every workout goes into the journal, too. Not only so I can remember what workout I did on what days, but also so I can look back and see the progress I've made. It's good to look at the first week and remember how hard it felt and compare it to what I'm doing now. Also, there are certain tasks J gives K and me that are timed (like stairs and walking and whatnot), so I write down the results of those...distance, time taken. Again, it's a good way to look back and check on the progress I'm making.
Feelings. Things piss me off sometimes. Things make me sad. Things make me happy. I have to get them out of me somehow so they don't fester and so I don't self-destruct. So I write them down. It makes me feel better by getting my thoughts and feelings down on paper, and I can then look back on them to also see what kind of progress I'm making in the emotion realm of my transformation.

4. Writing Down Goals - When K and I started with J, he gave us a sheet to fill out. I had to list 3 physical goals I want to reach, 3 achievement goals, and ways to achieve those goals. Filling that sheet out was one of the most difficult things I had to do. It took over a week, I think. Once I filled the sheet out, I had to make 4 copies. One copy J keeps, one copy stays in my purse, one on the fridge and one in my bedroom. That way, I can always see my goals and keep them at the forefront of my mind so I can continue to work on achieving them and never lose sight of them.
I also am working on a list of 50 life goals I would like to achieve. Once I have 50 listed, I have to separate them out in certain lists of how quickly I want to achieve them. Again, writing it all down makes me feel like the goals I want to achieve are set in stone and will give me more accountability to reach them (there's that word again! I cannot get enough accountability, apparently)

5. Rewarding Myself - K and I set up a reward system. Every certain amount of pounds lost, we give ourselves a reward. The more pounds lost, the bigger the rewards. They start off small, like going to the movies or a pair of shoes. Some are practical, like a new outfit (once my pants start falling down...which is getting close). But most are just things we really want to do, so we can work harder to reach that weight loss goal so we can cash in those rewards. The big goals, like 50 pounds, 75 pounds, etc, are the ones I'm most excited about. I had to make sure I put the best rewards on those weight goals. If I don't have these rewards, I don't think I would try as hard. It's like a carrot dangling in front of a horse...it'll make 'em move faster to try to get that carrot. If I really want a new purse, I need to get my butt in gear and drop another 4 pounds so I can get one. If I didn't reach that goal yet, no purse for me yet. It's as simple as that. K has been struggling with that concept, but I think she's starting to get it. We'll see.

GOALS

I have goals. Some are just for me to know. Some everyone can know about. I need to lose 100+ pounds. I want to lose it in a little over a year. I want to strengthen my core and gain muscle (not gross woman body builder muscles, just lean definition). I want to ride a roller coaster again. I want to participate in a 5k and finish (I already registered for TWO in June, so that one will be crossed of my list very shortly). I want to shop in "normal people" stores. I want to be able to help the community more. I want to feed the homeless on a regular basis. I want to be happy. I want to be healthy. I want to live an extraordinary life that someone can look at and be inspired to do something for themselves and for others. I want to change the world.... If I can inspire one person, I've accomplished my task. Because, like the butterfly effect, it only takes one event to change the course of history. The flap of a butterfly's wing can start a tsunami on the other side of the world. I may be in that cocoon right now, but as soon as I emerge as a beautiful butterfly...watch out! My wings are going to be moving!

A Fresh Start - Part 3

If you haven't read the back story, you can read it by clicking here.


A rebirth requires a a renewed thought process. This has been the most difficult process in my transformation, I am finding. For so many years, I've been given so many negative thoughts, not only from others but also from myself. It's hard to break that habit of self-inflicted negativity. Proper healing is a slow process, but can change your world if completed properly. This is one of my goals. I want to heal. I need to heal. All of the past pain and wounds are a very heavy burden to carry around all day every day. It's exhausting.

The past may be riddled with hurt, negativity and abuse, but if I keep letting that define me then I'm doing nothing more than choosing to continue living in the past. The future can be a very bright place if we actually make the active step to live in the present. I lived the past already. I don't have to keep reliving it. I'm trying to make a conscious effort to start living in the present and to not focus on the past.

Someone once told me something that I will probably remember for the rest of my life. They said, "You're not a victim. You're not a survivor. You're not even an overcomer. You're a conqueror." I'm not here on the earth to play the part of the victim. And I didn't just survive what someone chose to do to me; surviving is barely making it. I didn't just overcome my past...I CONQUERED it. I will not let my past label me. I will not let my past define me. I can no longer play the role of the victim.  Because of this, I found another motivation for this journey:

When I'm tired, sore, feeling run down, I think "you can crumble or you can conquer." I've let myself crumble for way too long. It's time to conquer. Repeating this phrase to myself when I want to give up most helps push me to do what I need to do and to reach the goals I need to reach.

I'm 6 weeks into taking back control of my thoughts, my feelings, my actions, my life. It's been difficult. The first month I cried. I just cried. All day. Everyday. Cried myself to sleep, cried in the shower, cried while making dinner, cried while working out, cried while eating, cried at work. But I didn't find all the tears as a weakness and I didn't view them in a negative light. 24 years of pent up emotions were starting to flow out of me....and if I wanted to heal, those emotions had to come out somehow. All of those tears were freeing. I didn't allow myself to dissociate from the situation (as much as I wanted to). I forced myself to face what I was feeling head on and work through them. If I don't process what I feel and understand why I am feeling what I'm feeling, then feelings are useless, right? This is a new concept for me, so I'm still trying to understand it all.

I've been ok the past few weeks. The crying has lessened significantly. I'm still working on moving on from the past and I'm sure I will have to continue to work on the emotional baggage even after the physical transformation has been completed. But I'm learning to express my feelings more. Pent up emotions help no one. I bought a journal and keep 3 things in it. Every day I write the food I eat and calorie count, the workouts I do and results (time completed, distance, etc), and then I write down everything I'm feeling for the day. If I can get it down on paper, it can't stay with me and cause me to crumble anymore. I also have my friends. They have been nothing but supportive. I feel like I can talk to them about many different issues I'm going through. I'm truly grateful for everyone I have in my life; it's a real blessing.

I apologize if this post makes no sense or jumps all over the place. It has been the most difficult one so far because it's on a topic I'm still trying to understand, myself. The next post will be about the goals I chose for myself and what I have achieved so far on this journey. After that, all future posts should be real time updates.

A Fresh Start - Part 2

If you haven't read this blog from the beginning, read the back story here.

Exercise is not something I am used to. Just saying the word makes me feel out of breath. If I went to a gym, I wouldn't know what to do. I would probably walk on a treadmill for 15 minutes, or ride the elliptical at a low resistance until I felt "sore" then would call it a day and not look at another machine for a few months. All those contraptions in gyms just looked complicated and made me feel immediately overwhelmed. I feel intimidated by the people who are in the gym regularly - I felt judged, as if they see me walk in and laugh. I've since learned that this is not always the case (and when it does happen, it's not my problem. I can only worry about myself and doing what I need to do to get the most out of every workout)

Day 1 was the first day of personal training. I was terrified. I felt sick to my stomach, afraid of what J would make me do. But, what I was most afraid of was failure. I often don't do things because I am afraid of failure (if you don't even try, there's no chance to fail, right?). Growing up, nothing was good enough. I wasn't good enough. Everything I did was sub-par. I would strive for more, but it never seemed to matter. You can only try so much before you hit that wall and give up. I met that wall with a force. Once you realize you'll never be good enough, it's easier to just give up trying. It was very difficult to start this new journey with that old mindset. It was one of the first things I had to get out of my head (it still tries to creep back in quite often, but I can't let it control my thoughts).

The first training session was hard. Really hard. I didn't know how to do a proper squat. I didn't know how to even warm-up properly. I didn't even know I am SUPPOSED to warm up. I really have nothing but gratitude and appreciation for J. He had so much patience and gave me so much grace. He could've very easily written me off and labeled me as a lost cause, but he didn't I'm very grateful for that. He pushed K and me. I did more than I thought I could've done in the first session. Sweat was pouring out of me. Breathing felt labored. My body shook by the end of the workout. But I did what J instructed me to do and I finished it. The funny thing is, it's only been 6 weeks now and I look back to see what J made K and I do that first session and I think, "wow, that's it?" But it felt like intense work then. It's amazing what a little effort does. 6 weeks from now, I will probably look back at the current training sessions and think, "that's it?" And that's ok, because I'm able to do more now than I ever could have done 6 weeks ago. This is a journey and that's what a journey is - progress.

One of the worst, but most effective things J makes us do is stairs. My apartment building is 100 years old. Each flight is not the same. Each stair is not the same. Some see steps in general as a daunting task. K counted the risers one day. The total flights in my building are the equivalent to 17 flights of stairs. After 6 weeks, K and I have to do 5 sets of stairs...from bottom to top, 5 times. With these stairs, it is the equivalent of 86 flights. But I do them. I am out of breath by the 4th flight. My legs burn by the 6th. But I do them. And every time I do them, I beat my previous time. I'm not the fastest. I can't even run up a single flight. But I get up all of them and I get down all of them. Every week, it takes a little less time to do. I try to remember that. Progress. I am making progress.

I had to learn that this is not going to come easy, especially with someone like me who has to lose 100+ pounds. 6 weeks is not a long time, but some days it feels like years. I'm not at my goal. I'm nowhere near my goal and I know I have quite a ways to go. But I've started on the path. I have accountability partners and people who won't let me quit or give up at all. I have moral support. I have physical support. And I also am learning that I have myself to push me, even if I don't want to. I have to keep pushing if I am going to get to where I want to be.

But this journey is only about 25% physical. If I am going to achieve the goals I want to achieve, there's a lot of emotional work I have to get through and defeat, as well.

A Fresh Start - Part 1

If you haven't read this blog from the beginning, read the first post here.

Note: These posts will start to become real time and I will post on a regular basis. I am currently 6 weeks into this process and am working on catching up. There has to be a back story to a decent character, after all :)


Day 1 was very intimidating. I didn't know what to think, I didn't know how to act, I didn't know what to do. I felt like an alien shoved into this strange environment and expected to know how to live without any adjustments; like I was supposed to just know how to exercise properly and what correct amount of calories to consume and like I should just know how to be successful at this entirely foreign concept. The first step I took was with food.

I will say there is one advantage I have and that is the food I consume, with certain exceptions. The pros: I love to cook. I've always had a passion for cooking and it would be an absolute dream to own my own restaurant. 6 months prior to this new journey, I've only been consuming about 90 - 95% whole foods. For almost a year, I've cooked dinner at home at least 5 nights per week. So, I did have that going for me. Another pro is that I don't drink pop (or "soda" for all you non-ohioans). I'm strictly a water, tea and coffee drinker. The cons: I love to cook. Give me all the butter, cheese, bacon and carbs you have and I can whip you up something that will make your mouth water and your eyes tear from happy tastebuds. So, while it is good I do cook, I had to change the direction in which I cooked...less fat, less calories, less creamy, more healthy, but still super delicious. Another con was that I didn't eat when I was supposed to. For the past 5 years or so, I never ate breakfast and very seldom ate lunch. I would get home from work and eat dinner...then mindlessly satisfy the numbed munchies at night and eat some more. Food was another comfort. When something good happened, celebrate with food! When something bad happened, binge/emotionally eat. Food started taking control. Portions got out of hand. Binging became common. I had to take back the control and use my passion for cooking as a useful tool, not a harmful weapon.

On the morning of Day 1, my first challenge was breakfast. Waking up and eating breakfast made me feel sick. Even the thought of it turned my stomach. Food in the morning felt terrible. My body didn't know what to do with this fuel that was supposed to be good for me. The first week, I started off slow with breakfast. First, a banana and some almonds. For a few more days, a protein shake or a yogurt and some fruit. By weeks 2 and 3, my body began craving the morning fuel it needed to power itself for the day, so eggs became common. Now, I don't quite feel the same without my morning breakfast of 2 eggs and 2 slices of low sodium turkey bacon (and a cup of coffee, of course). As time goes on, I am working a little harder at getting more vegetables into breakfast, too. But I have noticed a difference if I don't get that morning protein now.

Lunch was hard. It was difficult to eat during the day. But, once breakfast became a normal routine, so did lunch. If I ate breakfast, I was hungry by lunch and wanted to eat again - my body needed to refuel. Now, I'm not a fan of eating the same thing day in and day out, but I need some sort of safe routine somewhere, so lunch it was. I work Monday through Friday, thus having to pack lunches for 5 days. I found what works for me is tuna salad. On Sunday evenings, I mix together 2 cans of tuna, 1 mashed avocado, a couple tablespoons of rice vinegar and put it in a tupperware container. That tuna mix lasts me 5 days and cuts down on time and effort of trying to figure out what to make for lunch in the mornings. Every morning, I put a portion of the tuna on a multi-grain 60 calorie wrap, top it with a handful of spinach leaves and wrap it all up. I then throw a low fat Greek yogurt in my purse and some baby carrots and lunch is done. When I do this, I then know my lunch is 320 calories and I don't have to think about it again.

Dinner was not a big change. I cook dinner Sunday through Thursday evenings. Every week, I look through recipes, choose 5 meals and make a menu for dinner. That way, when I go grocery shopping, I have a plan, a list, and I don't end up getting a bunch of things I don't need. The only change I made for dinner was to look for low calorie recipes. If I find a meal that looks really delicious that I want to try, but is also really unhealthy, my new challenge is to "healthify" the recipe to lower the calories but still have it taste good.

It took some time to get the different meals right, and I'm still working on it. Every day is a new challenge. Some days, I really want a chocolate bar or some cookies. I can't deprive myself, or else that's when the binging starts, so I just find a replacement. If I have a chocolate craving, I either have to limit myself to one piece of dark chocolate, make a chocolate-esque healthier replacement, or else I try something else sweet, like strawberries (as they're coming into season) or other fresh fruit.

I'm learning what I can and can't have and, most importantly, how much I can and can't have. Sure, if I really wanted to have a box of cookies for 1,050 calories, I could....but then I would only have about 200 calories for the rest of the day. I'm learning to get into the mindset where I have to ask myself, "Is it worth it?" If I make those brownies, would it be worth it to me? How would I feel after I eat them? Chances are, I will feel terrible. I would feel guilty. I would feel disappointed in myself.

Eating out now is very rare. It used to be a regular occurrence. Instead, K and I have a "cheat" meal every 30 days. Not a total cheat DAY, just one meal. Not only does it feel like a reward to us, but it also helps the metabolism by mixing it all up. Eating out has become special now. It gives more motivation to try harder and continue on to reach that reward. I have eaten out a few times during this journey and found my taste is changing. Chain restaurants are crap (well, they always have been...but they are worse now). The food just tastes like salt, the "healthy" options are not as healthy as they make you believe they are, and they look terrible. Making dinner at home has become routine and I don't mind cooking dinner almost every night now. I really enjoy it, actually.


But then there was another factor. Exercise...

So it begins...

 They say one flap of a butterfly's wing can start a tsunami on the other side of the world; the smallest event can snowball into a life changing moment. That life changing moment is where this blog begins.

I fully believe there is at least one defining moment in everyone's life where they realize what they have to do to be happy (whether they take action to make it happen or not is another story). On March 21, 2013, that moment happened in my life (but I will get to that). I would say I was unhappy, but that would be an understatement. I was miserable. I felt lost. I felt alone. It really was a very dark time...and it just got darker as each day passed. I hit my rock bottom several years ago. I've been there for so long I could describe every crevice and dip in that stone. It became a safe place; it became comfortable. But that comfort was slowly tearing me apart. That comfort did nothing but make me feel more discontentment. So what did I do? I numbed the discomfort, discontentment, and really any feelings I had.

 Not feeling gets tiring. Everything was exhausting - social interaction, work, play, putting on the smile everyone expects to see. I got sick of it. I could see others out in the world expressing their genuine happiness and I longed to have that life. I wanted hope. I wanted joy. I wanted to feel again. The discontentment became too much to handle and I knew I had to do something. I needed a new life. I needed a rebirth.

I'll lay it out right here. I'm fat. Like, really fat. Unhappily, unhealthily fat. I hate it. I hate looking in the mirror, picking out clothes, shopping, traveling, eating out. It's terrible. Any self-confidence I could have, I don't have. Any compliments I receive, I don't believe. Any looks I get in public feel like glares of judgement, burning holes right through me and focusing on this huge blob stuffing her face with food and huffing and puffing to walk a few blocks on a sidewalk. But the fat is a safety. It stops others from getting too close to realize the smile is just a mask. I spent 24 years building and conditioning this physical "wall" of safety around me. And I knew if I really wanted to start on a new journey, that wall had to come down.

I spoke with my friend about how I was thinking of starting to exercise on a regular basis and get my life back. Lets call her K. K was really excited to hear this because she wanted to do the same thing. She only has about 1/4 of the amount of weight to lose, but has the same type of personality that I do where the more accountability we have, the higher the success rate. After we both made a decision to exercise together and become eachothers accountability partners, I started looking for the right personal trainer.

Living in a large apartment building in the heart of downtown Cleveland has its perks. There's a decent sized fitness center at my disposal in my building, as well as a sauna and yoga studio about 25 feet from my apartment door. Because of that, I found two different business cards of personal trainers that train in my building. I asked around about these two trainers and received mediocre reviews. I wasn't convinced they would be a good fit, so I kept searching.

There's a trainer that comes into my work twice per week to teach yoga and strength training. Lets call him J. Several of my co-workers train with him and, since he's been teaching at work, I've heard nothing but positivity spoken about him. Working in reception, I speak with everyone who comes into the office. In the short time J is out in the reception area, and in the small talk we exchanged, I could see the genuine kindness he has for others. On Tuesday, March 19th, I asked if he did personal training...and he did. I asked if he's currently taking on new clients...and he is. Every answer to every question I asked was what I was looking for. So we set the first appointment for March 21st.

That's when it all began.