Exercise is not something I am used to. Just saying the word makes me feel out of breath. If I went to a gym, I wouldn't know what to do. I would probably walk on a treadmill for 15 minutes, or ride the elliptical at a low resistance until I felt "sore" then would call it a day and not look at another machine for a few months. All those contraptions in gyms just looked complicated and made me feel immediately overwhelmed. I feel intimidated by the people who are in the gym regularly - I felt judged, as if they see me walk in and laugh. I've since learned that this is not always the case (and when it does happen, it's not my problem. I can only worry about myself and doing what I need to do to get the most out of every workout)
Day 1 was the first day of personal training. I was terrified. I felt sick to my stomach, afraid of what J would make me do. But, what I was most afraid of was failure. I often don't do things because I am afraid of failure (if you don't even try, there's no chance to fail, right?). Growing up, nothing was good enough. I wasn't good enough. Everything I did was sub-par. I would strive for more, but it never seemed to matter. You can only try so much before you hit that wall and give up. I met that wall with a force. Once you realize you'll never be good enough, it's easier to just give up trying. It was very difficult to start this new journey with that old mindset. It was one of the first things I had to get out of my head (it still tries to creep back in quite often, but I can't let it control my thoughts).
The first training session was hard. Really hard. I didn't know how to do a proper squat. I didn't know how to even warm-up properly. I didn't even know I am SUPPOSED to warm up. I really have nothing but gratitude and appreciation for J. He had so much patience and gave me so much grace. He could've very easily written me off and labeled me as a lost cause, but he didn't I'm very grateful for that. He pushed K and me. I did more than I thought I could've done in the first session. Sweat was pouring out of me. Breathing felt labored. My body shook by the end of the workout. But I did what J instructed me to do and I finished it. The funny thing is, it's only been 6 weeks now and I look back to see what J made K and I do that first session and I think, "wow, that's it?" But it felt like intense work then. It's amazing what a little effort does. 6 weeks from now, I will probably look back at the current training sessions and think, "that's it?" And that's ok, because I'm able to do more now than I ever could have done 6 weeks ago. This is a journey and that's what a journey is - progress.
One of the worst, but most effective things J makes us do is stairs. My apartment building is 100 years old. Each flight is not the same. Each stair is not the same. Some see steps in general as a daunting task. K counted the risers one day. The total flights in my building are the equivalent to 17 flights of stairs. After 6 weeks, K and I have to do 5 sets of stairs...from bottom to top, 5 times. With these stairs, it is the equivalent of 86 flights. But I do them. I am out of breath by the 4th flight. My legs burn by the 6th. But I do them. And every time I do them, I beat my previous time. I'm not the fastest. I can't even run up a single flight. But I get up all of them and I get down all of them. Every week, it takes a little less time to do. I try to remember that. Progress. I am making progress.
I had to learn that this is not going to come easy, especially with someone like me who has to lose 100+ pounds. 6 weeks is not a long time, but some days it feels like years. I'm not at my goal. I'm nowhere near my goal and I know I have quite a ways to go. But I've started on the path. I have accountability partners and people who won't let me quit or give up at all. I have moral support. I have physical support. And I also am learning that I have myself to push me, even if I don't want to. I have to keep pushing if I am going to get to where I want to be.
But this journey is only about 25% physical. If I am going to achieve the goals I want to achieve, there's a lot of emotional work I have to get through and defeat, as well.
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