A rebirth requires a a renewed thought process. This has been the most difficult process in my transformation, I am finding. For so many years, I've been given so many negative thoughts, not only from others but also from myself. It's hard to break that habit of self-inflicted negativity. Proper healing is a slow process, but can change your world if completed properly. This is one of my goals. I want to heal. I need to heal. All of the past pain and wounds are a very heavy burden to carry around all day every day. It's exhausting.
The past may be riddled with hurt, negativity and abuse, but if I keep letting that define me then I'm doing nothing more than choosing to continue living in the past. The future can be a very bright place if we actually make the active step to live in the present. I lived the past already. I don't have to keep reliving it. I'm trying to make a conscious effort to start living in the present and to not focus on the past.
Someone once told me something that I will probably remember for the rest of my life. They said, "You're not a victim. You're not a survivor. You're not even an overcomer. You're a conqueror." I'm not here on the earth to play the part of the victim. And I didn't just survive what someone chose to do to me; surviving is barely making it. I didn't just overcome my past...I CONQUERED it. I will not let my past label me. I will not let my past define me. I can no longer play the role of the victim. Because of this, I found another motivation for this journey:
When I'm tired, sore, feeling run down, I think "you can crumble or you can conquer." I've let myself crumble for way too long. It's time to conquer. Repeating this phrase to myself when I want to give up most helps push me to do what I need to do and to reach the goals I need to reach.
I'm 6 weeks into taking back control of my thoughts, my feelings, my actions, my life. It's been difficult. The first month I cried. I just cried. All day. Everyday. Cried myself to sleep, cried in the shower, cried while making dinner, cried while working out, cried while eating, cried at work. But I didn't find all the tears as a weakness and I didn't view them in a negative light. 24 years of pent up emotions were starting to flow out of me....and if I wanted to heal, those emotions had to come out somehow. All of those tears were freeing. I didn't allow myself to dissociate from the situation (as much as I wanted to). I forced myself to face what I was feeling head on and work through them. If I don't process what I feel and understand why I am feeling what I'm feeling, then feelings are useless, right? This is a new concept for me, so I'm still trying to understand it all.
I've been ok the past few weeks. The crying has lessened significantly. I'm still working on moving on from the past and I'm sure I will have to continue to work on the emotional baggage even after the physical transformation has been completed. But I'm learning to express my feelings more. Pent up emotions help no one. I bought a journal and keep 3 things in it. Every day I write the food I eat and calorie count, the workouts I do and results (time completed, distance, etc), and then I write down everything I'm feeling for the day. If I can get it down on paper, it can't stay with me and cause me to crumble anymore. I also have my friends. They have been nothing but supportive. I feel like I can talk to them about many different issues I'm going through. I'm truly grateful for everyone I have in my life; it's a real blessing.
I apologize if this post makes no sense or jumps all over the place. It has been the most difficult one so far because it's on a topic I'm still trying to understand, myself. The next post will be about the goals I chose for myself and what I have achieved so far on this journey. After that, all future posts should be real time updates.
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