A Setback

There's a reason I haven't posted in a little while here. I injured myself. Several people (a couple doctor friends and my massage therapist) believe I herniated a disc in my low back. I went to the doctor last week and got an xray. One of my vertebrae is pushed forward about 50% and he also found a fracture in a vertebrae. That's right - I literally broke my back.

The back injury really was bad timing. I had a couple catering gigs that I had to do, while also working a decent amount of hours at the coffee shop as the owner of the shop became a father; I had no time to rest and was is motion all the time. Lifting, twisting, bending. The pain got to the point where it physically hurt to inhale because breathing moved my spine. Also, while all of this was happening, K and I ran a 5k. I regret that 5k most of all. It was a mistake to do with the amount of pain I was experiencing.

So, for 5 weeks, I was not allowed to work out at all. No cardio, no training, not even yoga! While it did allow my back to rest some, I felt TERRIBLE! Going from working out on a regular basis to not being able to, I felt disgusting. I became depressed,  wanted to cry, emotional eating crept back in, and weight has been added on.

The week before last, I worked out for the first time in quite a while, and it felt really good! Well, I take that back. My back didn't feel great, but it felt good to be able to get back in a gym and be somewhat active. This week, I had my first training session back with J. We went very light and J kept asking (again and again and again!) if my back felt ok. And it did feel ok. There were a couple exercises I had to stop because of pain, but most all of what we did went well. I'm glad to get back into training again :)

However, there is now a LOT that I cannot do. I can no longer deadlift, flip tires, do any heavy squatting, Romanian deadlifts, bent over front rows. I can't even run right now! My doctor even recommended I avoid standing for long periods of time, walking long distances,  and even avoid staircases. I feel like everything I love most I can no longer do (until my back heals). Deadlifts are my favorite! I had a goal to pull a truck and that's been put on hold. The half marathon is no longer happening in October.

I go to treatment for my back twice per week now. Still working at the coffee shop and working on building up my chef/catering business (I'm actually waiting for cupcakes to finish baking for a catering job as I type this). When I work, I don't get to rest the back. I don't have a soft seat available and I have to stand for periods at a time. It feels stupid to me to have to wait for the elevator in my apartment building when it's faster to walk down/up one flight of stairs to get outside. I walked the 1.5 miles to work yesterday and was in a lot of pain by the time I arrived. I feel physically handicapped and it drives me nuts. But I keep reminding myself to be patient, continue treatment, and keep it easy at the gym so I don't do more damage or cause serious damage that would require surgery. If only the pain would go away!! But I can only work toward that goal one day at a time.

The catch - up

I haven't posted anything since the one year mark back in March. I haven't given up, don't worry! Time has just been more filled lately and posting a new blog post has been put on the back burner for a bit. I'll try to post again regularly, but I can't guarantee anything.

Since posting last, I started the personal chef and catering business. Most of my time has been filled with that. I've been able to pick up clients and catering jobs. The jobs all vary between a few dozen cookies for a baby shower, all the way to an entire wedding coming up in the fall. Also, I've been picking up other random side jobs (unrelated to cooking) and working in the coffee shop. I also moved to a new apartment a couple weeks ago. As much as I loved the apartment building I was in, the price was going up and more space was desperately needed. So, I stayed downtown, just moved to a different building. It worked out and I'm still close enough to my old apartment building and coffee shop to walk there.

Usually, when I do go to the coffee shop, I get my cardio in by jogging there. It's 1.5 miles to get there. I've been averaging between 13 and 14 minute miles, which is pretty terrible. Winter was difficult,  in the cardio department (I hate the treadmill SO much. SO. MUCH). So, aside from yoga 3 times per week and personal training once a week, I wasn't doing any extra cardio throughout the week. Now that spring has sprung and the warmer weather is back, I've been able to get cardio in outside. It feels good to get the cardio back into my days, and I can absolutely feel the difference after not having done cardio for a couple months.

I'm determined to get back on track. Since dating my boyfriend (it's been 2.5-3ish months now and going well), I've gained 8 pounds :( I told J this during a training session and he just nodded and started going on and on about how this ALWAYS happens....you get into a relationship, start eating out more, you're happy, you become content, and the pounds start to creep back on. So, I really am working on staying on track and getting back to reaching my goals.

This past weekend wasn't the best, nutritionally, due to the holiday. There was a cookout to attend every single day throughout the weekend. Plus, somehow I ended up overbooking myself with different cooking jobs, so I ended up skipping a couple meals because of that. I had a lot more red meat than I'm used to consuming from the cookouts, as well as a lot more starch (from burger buns, pasta salads, potato salads, etc). Other than those, I've been pretty good.

So, while I'm pretty disappointed in the negative scale change, I haven't given up. I haven't quit. I'm still going, albeit slow (I've also been experiencing some knee and wrist issues). But now is the time to get back on track and start going in the right direction again. I'll try to keep you updated more often now. The goal to do a half marathon in October is still VERY real. I also have two 5k's coming up in June.

I've been journaling a little bit lately. Once I am able to get my thoughts together, I'll write another post with more of those thoughts. Until then :)

1 Year Ago Today (with picture and measurements)

March 21st, 2013, was a terrifying day...if I were to be completely honest. I spoke to J the previous week about starting personal training and we set up the first training session for March 21st...it was a Thursday. I remember getting off of work, walking home, changing clothes and trembling from the unknown and not knowing what I was getting myself into. I had bought a pair of compression pants with a skirt attached because I was self conscious of wearing something so "form fitting." I also had a jacket on for the first 2 months or so of training....it was really hot to wear, but I wouldn't dare take it off because I was so self conscious of my arms.

K and I met J in the lobby of my apartment building and we went up to the fitness center. He put me on the treadmill and I was winded walking at a 3.0 speed at an incline of 2.0. My heart was racing and I was sweating just from the warm up. After 5 minutes of warming up, I got off the treadmill and wanted to be done. I was tired. I was sweaty. I couldn't breathe. But then the workout happened. It was only body weight work and maybe some 5lb weights were involved. It was the first day I have ever squatted and I didn't move very far. By the end of that 30 minutes, I was pouring sweat, could barely catch my breath, and my whole body shook from exhaustion. For 4 days after that first training session, it was hard to move; I was so sore!! But on March 21st, 2013, I was hooked. March 21st, 2013 was the death of the old me and the birth of who I am becoming.

This past year has been tough, without a doubt. So many life changes have happened, and it all started 1 year ago today. I used to think fitness/exercise was just a small thing that some people did in their spare time so they could get away with eating more. But I've learned that fitness carries through to every aspect of your life. It becomes a HUGE part of your life. It becomes something as important as eating and breathing. It makes you want to eat better, take care of yourself more. It gives you self confidence and the drive to push yourself in other areas of your life. It changes your attitude and your thought process. It makes you want to do better...it make you want to BE better.

They always say (and I am absolutely guilty of saying it...even just a few weeks ago) that it's 70% nutrition, 30% fitness. The more I think about it, though, I don't think that's completely accurate. If you want to physically change your body, nutrition does play a big role in that. But if you want to change your life? Well, eating a salad at lunch isn't exactly going to push you enough to quit your job to pursue your passion.

When I workout, that hour of time is focused on myself. If I'm on the treadmill or outside, the thoughts are all about who I am, who I want to be, and figuring out how to get from point A to point B. There have been days sitting at the chest press machine, trying as hard as I can to push out as many reps as possible until failure, just trying and crying. I wouldn't cry because it was hard. I would cry because working out would open something inside of me that needed to escape. It was a release. and sometimes that needed release involved tears. There have been yoga classes where we would take savasana at the end of class, and I would lay there in stillness with tears rolling down my face. There have been days in training where I wouldn't want to push myself or try....and J would notice and would stop and make me talk it out. I would get mad at him. He knows my angry face now....it's not a pretty face, and I feel bad he has seen it...but he has. Oops. But it made me push harder and go longer. And I've never regretted a workout. Ever. Even the hot days in the summer when we trained outside and I would dry heave in the park. Even the first day where he made me jog...outside...in front of PEOPLE....and my jog was so slow that J could have walked at a leisurely pace and still probably walk faster than the pace in which I was jogging (but he "jogged" next to me...well, it was more of a hopping walk with a slight skip to add effect. I appreciated it, nonetheless).

Never in my life did I think I would ASK to lift weights on training days. Never in my life did I think I would ASK to flip tires. Never in my life did I think I would ask to pull a truck. Never in my life did I think I would have a half marathon written on my goal sheet. Never in my life did I think I would have a list of goals that I would actively attempt to accomplish.

Now, I am out of Corporate America. I have gone to culinary school. I have started a business so I can do what I LOVE to do as a career. Who would've thought this all began from the decision to hire some random personal trainer that just happened to come into work one day to teach a yoga class at my place of employment. March 21st, 2013, gave me the motivation and determination to take those chances, to risk failure, to believe in myself, and to push the limits.

It's crazy how things work out like that. And I wouldn't change a second of it.

While I'm still not done, I'm on my way there. I still have a ways to go, but I'm over halfway through. If I got this far, I know I can keep going and I know I will get there. OOOO BOY, and when I do....just you wait!!

******************************************

In this past year, I have lost a total of 72 pounds. As far as measurements go (again, I measure each bicep, waist, hips, and each thigh), I have lost a total of 50.5 inches off my entire body. My waist alone, I have lost 18.5 inches this past year.

To reach my goal, I am working on losing about 40 more pounds and about 4-6 more inches off my waist. Oh, and to gain muscle and get super ripped and awesome ;) But really, I just want a bicep bump when I flex my arm. 

Below is my Before and Current picture (It's not a before and "After" since "after" hasn't happened yet):

Week 47 Wrap Up and Respect

Winter sucks. It really sucks. And this winter has been BRUTAL. Between the snow storms and sub-zero temperatures, I am over it. I'm over it all. When will spring begin?!?! All of this dreary cold weather makes me want to hibernate. I wish it was socially acceptable to just say "Bye! See ya in April!" and never leave the comfort of my warm bed and fuzzy blankets. Unfortunately, that can't happen.

Fitness has been a bit on the low end lately. The motivation to go down to the gym is pretty much at zero right now. So, at this point, I'm doing what people tell me to do....I've been going to training, taking extra yoga classes, and climbing stairs with some friends that come over once per week. running? not unless I have to (like after training when I have to run 10 laps in a cold building). Weights? Not nearly as much as I should be doing or have been doing. Like I said, winter sucks. I want it to warm up so I can start running outside. And a little sun in the sky sure would raise some spirits. That's probably why I haven't been blogging as much, either...no motivation...I have had nothing to say.

Weigh-in for January went as well as could be expected. I'm down another 2 pounds, for a total loss of an even 70 pounds since day 1. I've hit that point where it's becoming harder to lose pounds. Since I have less to lose now, it's takes longer and more effort to get the fat off. When I first started, I was hoping to hit my goal weight in one year. Now that I'm working at it and realize the difficulty of losing weight at a steady pace, my new goal is to hit my goal weight in 1.5 to 2 years. Ideally, I would like to hit that point by the time I do a half marathon in October. I think that is realistically attainable. That would give me 8 months to lose 50 - 60 more pounds (OR, to be even more realistic, 8 months to lose 6-8 more inches around my waist. That's my goal).

Everything else is going pretty well. Having finished school in December, I've been picking up some catering gigs and will be starting with my first personal chef client in the next week or two. An awesome tax return I'm expecting will easily get the business license paid for and everything official. So, that's pretty exciting. I've also been able to pick up a few side jobs for the time being.

I finally made the decision to start dating again. I took myself off the market for some time so I could focus on bettering myself and being ok with myself. But I knew, if I keep waiting until I'm completely happy every aspect of my life, I'll be waiting for the rest of my life. But I've hit the point where I feel a WHOLE lot better about myself physically, I'm in a much better place emotionally, and I'm undeniably happy having started a career path that I'm passionate about. I've hit that point where I feel ok to spend time with myself. I don't feel lonely when I'm alone. I knew I didn't want to get someone else involved in the mess of my own life when I wasn't comfortable with it. I didn't want to infect someone else with a toxic lifestyle and a negative mindset. I didn't want to emotionally rely on someone because I wasn't emotionally stable to be by myself. I didn't want to find someone so they could be my "crutch." I didn't want to depend on someone else to make me happy. I didn't want to be in a relationship that was destined for failure. And now that I'm going into this whole dating thing with a new mindset and a renewed sense of self, this experience is going very well! I know now that I deserve better than what I was seeking out before. I know now that I deserve someone who will treat me well. I know now that I deserve respect. I know now that I deserve to be with stability. I think back to the past mistakes I've made in this area of my life and I'm astounded to realize how blind I was....how naive I was....how little respect I had for myself. I'm looking forward to this new chapter and to these new experience now that I have this new sense of self.

Week 42 Wrap Up and Numbers

Have you ever had a workout hangover? Like, you worked out so hard the day before that you wake up and actually feel hungover? I felt like that on Monday. Absolutely exhausted! I can honestly say I've never had a workout hangover before. It makes me feel like I really worked hard during training on Sunday, though. Makes me feel good! Except, I was warned that I may feel it all more in my legs today, which I did not feel any more sore today and did yoga this afternoon...so I'm not sure how I should feel about that one.

K and I are back to climbing stairs. We started that again 2 weeks ago. Last week, I finished 64 flights of stairs (up and down) in under 25 minutes. It's a better time than when we were climbing the stairs back in the spring, but not a good enough time if we want to compete in Tackle the Tower next month (Tackle the tower is a race where you have to climb 38 flights of stairs as fast as possible). I'm working on improving my time every week. We will see how it goes on Thursday.

A couple weeks ago, a group of ladies met to keep everyone accountable in order to lose some weight and get healthy. I was asked to sit in on the group meeting and help with nutrition assistance and tips throughout the duration of the group. At the first meeting, everyone weighed in. I was asked if I was going to weigh in and I said no. Sunday, they had their first weigh-in meeting. I was asked again if I was going to weigh in and again said no. Why didn't I weigh myself then? Because I made the decision to step on a scale once per month.

While the scale is one way to measure progress, it's not the only way...nor is it the most important way. If you're looking to lose weight, lose fat, gain muscle, get healthy, whatever you want to call it, a number on a scale shouldn't be the only think to focus on -- to obsess about. Society is so concerned about that scale number, as if every single person has the same body shape, bone density, and genetics to where you can just input your height and age and a magic number is spit out as to what you should weigh. Do you know what that number is for me? 150. That formula says I should weigh 150 pounds. If I were to try to do that, I would have no muscle and look sickly. I have baby birthing hips. I have boobs. I want muscle. I want to be STRONG. I want that bicep bump that people have when they flex their arms. There's no way I would look good or be happy at 150 pounds.

The scale shouldn't be the only thing to focus on. As I said a couple posts ago, I stopped weighing myself weekly. I was becoming obsessed. The scale would sit in my bathroom and I would have to physically restrain myself from stepping on it every single morning. I became obsessed. And if the number wasn't what I wanted to see, I felt bad about it. I went through two months of a plateau on the scale. Every week, that number was not moving on the scale, yet I went down a pant size during that plateau. I went down an entire pant size but was too focused on that number on the scale that was just sitting there to be able to feel excited about the victory of sizing down in pants. Instead, I just felt frustrated and it made me want to emotionally eat. And that's when it happened. That was the moment I decided the scale was taking focus over the more important objective and it was time to back off. So, I still weigh myself, but only once per month now. I can't continue to focus on the number on that scale. I SIZED DOWN IN PANTS! I should feel excited about that! So, I am :)

I highly recommend choosing other avenues to check progress. Get a pair of pants that you no longer fit into that you want to wear again and measure your progress with that. Or measure yourself. Or check your body fat percentage. A pound is a pound...whether it's a pound of muscle or a pound of fat. If you replace a pound of fat with a pound of muscle, the scale isn't going to move but your body is going to look different!

I've also been measuring myself. I measure each bicep, waist, hips, and each thigh. Since measuring myself on day 1 (actually, I think I started measuring about 2 or 3 weeks into working out), I have lost 46 inches from my body. 46!! And of that 46 inches I've lost, 17 of those inches are off my waist. 17. 17 inches. I had to take the measuring tape and physically see what 17 inches and 46 inches look like. It was incredible. My waist is only 6-8 inches away from my goal waist size. I'm not as far away from my goal as I think. And if the scale doesn't reflect it, I'm going to be ok with that. If I come in at 190 and I feel good with my body and feel like I'm ready to start maintaining, that's fine. Heck, even if I'm at 200 and I feel like that, I'll start maintaining. I know I will never be "skinny" and I don't want to be "skinny." I know I have a shape and I want to have a shape. I know I will never wear a size 2 and I have no desire to be able to. I know I'm not going to be 120 pounds and I'm ok with that. The scale is not going to define me. I will feel good about my body when I feel good about my body. Societal standards and a number on a scale aren't going to change that.

WHY?

WHY did I start this journey?

Because I was unhappy where I was

Because I didn’t recognize the person I saw in the mirror

Because I was tired of being the FRIEND

Because I was tired of just having “a pretty face”

Because I was tired of being out of breath when I took a 10 minute walk

Because I was tired of being out of breath when I walked up 1 flight of stairs

Because I was tired of joint pain, acid reflux, headaches, and the future health problems that were looming

Because I was tired of being uncomfortably comfortable at rock bottom

WHY?

Because I wanted to feel normal

Because I wanted to FEEL

Because I was tired of living in the past

Because it was exhausting to keep the wall up and stay on guard

Because I was tired of the self abuse of emotionally eating

Because I was tired of constantly wearing the wounds of my childhood abuse on the outside for all to see, yet still thinking I was hiding it well.

Because I was tired of having the wounds from so long ago and not allowing them to heal

WHY?

Because I want to have kids

Because I want to be physically able to have kids

Because I want to have a future

Because I don’t want to end up in a hospital, sick and dying and in pain during my last days

Because I don’t want my last days to arrive too soon

Because I was tired of feeling paranoid and self conscious, as if I was always being “looked at”

Because I was tired of never being looked at

Because I had a fear that I would eventually not be able to even fit into the plus sized stores

Because I was tired of shopping in the plus sized stores

WHY?

Because I was tired of excuses

Because I was tired of depression

Because I was tired of wishing

Because I was tired of never following through

Because I was tired of being tired

Because I was tired of constantly feeling judged

Because I was tired of constantly judging myself

Because I was tired of feeling like I was living a lie

Because I was tired of not truly living

Because I was tired of just surviving

So WHY am I doing this?

Because I know I deserved better

Because I know I am worth more

Because I know I have more to give

Because I know I have dreams to accomplish

Because I know I deserve success

Because I know I have the ability to do it

Because I know how far I can go

Because I know I can be a success story
Because I WILL be a success story.

Week 41 Wrap Up and a Lit Fire

I'll be honest, I've felt stagnant lately. The past few weeks, heck...the past two months or so, I've just felt stagnant. Workouts haven't been fun. I've felt like I've been losing motivation. I don't know why. Nothing has changed....but maybe that's why I've been losing motivation; nothing has changed. Since a week before Christmas, I've been working a temporary/side job (it finished up last week) that has been somewhat physically demanding and requiring more time than usual, lately. Because I was working all day, I was unable to go to my yoga classes (they're at noon) and I really missed those.

Last week, I was asked to go to a meeting with 10 women looking to lose weight and get healthy. I was asked to go so I could share my personal journey, as well as nutrition tips and extra motivation for the women. They paired up so they would each have an accountability partner. A group was also started on Facebook so we could all stay connected, talk about issues anyone may be having and encourage when needed. While I'm not actually one of the women that are participating in the group, it's nice to know that my journey, [limited] experience, and knowledge are helpful. I want to do what I can to help others that are looking to better themselves.

I went to the movies with some friends last week (this and the past paragraphs will all tie together, I promise). We saw Grudge Match, with Sylvester Stallone and Robert DeNiro. It was a cute movie, but I honestly wouldn't recommend even paying matinee to go see it (it would be a decent Redbox rental...pay the dollar). It's about two old boxers that want to fight each other again in the ring. Anyway, there was one of those classic workout montages. Watching this, it lit a bit of a fire under my butt. Sylvester Stallone is 67 years old. I know he's been fit for pretty much his whole life and can do way more than I ever could, but there was something he did during that montage that I now REALLLLY want to do.

It took a stagnant few weeks with a few seemingly unimportant events to get that motivation back. I was finally able to get back to yoga yesterday and it felt WONDERFUL! I missed it so much! Last night, my yoga instructor friend and I hit the sauna and I can't believe how much I missed that, too! We're going to make it a weekly thing. This group of women that are looking to get healthy remind me of myself when I was at my day 1, which helped with the motivation to get back to pushing myself (I should add a disclaimer, it's not that I haven't been working out during this "stagnant" period, I was just doing what I needed to do, I guess. I did the cardio just to get it done with. Heck, I even missed a few weeks of weights on my own) and working harder towards progressing even further faster. K and I got back together and climbed stairs this morning. I haven't done stairs since she and I did them back in the spring. We did 50 flights, up and down, in 19 minutes and 51 seconds, which is a pretty good time seeing as we did less than that the first time and it took about 45 minutes. Our average time per set was less than 6 minutes. My best time back in the spring was over 7 minutes. My new goal since watching that movie last week is to pull a truck. I want to get a harness on and pull a truck. You read it right. So J, if you're reading this, work on making that happen :) I want to pull a truck. And not just move it. I mean, I want to pull it....a quarter mile, a half mile....I want to pull a truck.

I put a list of races on Instagram that I wanted to do for 2014. While I still hate running, I had an initial goal of doing a half marathon by May when the Cleveland Marathon comes around. As I was thinking realistically, I realized that I am not going to be ready by may to run 13.1 miles. But the Rock 'n' Roll Marathon is coming up in October this year. I'll be ready by October. So, I've start pushing my cardio and preparing for that already. My goal is to do a half marathon in October and finish in 3 hours. That would be less than a 14 minute mile, which I'm already surpassing (but not long distance yet). I have some work to do, but I'm going to do it. I also have already registered for another 5k in June, and the ladies in the fitness group will be doing a 5k in April or early May, in which I will also be participating. K and I are also trying to find 2 more teammates to do Tackle the Tower next month, where you run up 38 flights of stairs as fast as possible (the best 3 times out of the 4 team members are totaled and then the top 3 teams win something). I also plan on getting in a 5 miler and 10 miler in at some point between now and October. If I actually register and pay to run in an event, it keeps me accountable. So, if anyone else is interested in doing a 5k or 10k at any point in time, let me know and I will try to join you! :)